Good Day

Today was a good day, I woke up feeling okay. I wish I could say some divine entity wrapped me in a warm blanket of light and peace but honestly I think that now that the shock has worn off a bit of denial has set in. Not denial like it isn't happening....perhaps not denial at all, more like numbness, detachment. I think my mind just couldn't handle anymore so it took a break. I am able to talk about things that need to be done and make plans without emotion. I haven't cried once today, I am thankful for that because I know that it won't last. I've been looking at different things that insurance won't cover that I want to save up for in order to let her live independently for as long as possible. An electric jar opener, a Roomba etc. It sucks not living in the same town but at least I'm only an hour away versus 14 hours with my dad.

My brother and I are planning a BBQ for Mother's Day for her. Lots of high cal high carb foods since that is what she is supposed to be eating....its definitely going to tempt me to break weight watchers for the day...wait, maybe calories don't count on Mother's day. I definitely broke my diet the last two days, an emergency slurpie followed by rum and coke and the next day a full party size bag of m & m's.....Oh well, these things happen...back on the wagon today.

My family and I are handling grief differently and its hard. They are still holding on to hope for a second opinion....me? I'm just planning for the long road ahead, I don't have hope, that sounds grim, I know. But I'd rather deal with this situation and then if by some miracle the second opinion brings a better diagnosis then it is a wonderful, amazing gift, if not then I won't grieve all over again. People call me a pessimist but I think I'm a realist.