Please, please make it stop

I want to scream HELP but I know that no one can, nothing can change anything, this is real and nothing can change it, there is nothing I can do.

Sometimes I forget,sometimes I remember mentally but emotionally it doesn't hit me, denial I suppose. But what brings me back are her emails, emailing about the upcoming ALS clinics appointments, about eating high cal high carb because she needs to stop losing weight.....some are mundane every day emails about every day things, it doesn't matter what its about, or if its just a one word email, I save each and every one of them in a folder labeled "mom" because one day the emails will stop coming, I may send emails but they will never be read, never returned....just my thoughts and words sent out into the void.

I just can't make it real, even when it hits me like a load of bricks and I am sobbing, still, even then it doesn't feel completely real.

I find myself trying to think about what will make me feel close to her after she is gone....I have no idea what it will be....I have already found where to buy her perfume that she wore when I was little, a scent that I will always associate with her. I'm trying to find any way that I can to preserve her, memory books, pictures, a way to record her voice because time will steal it from me. I send her questions through email, anything I can think of that I want to know because one day she won't be there to answer....I wish I had asked my grandmother why she called cottage cheese hoppy cheese...will never know now.

I feel like I'm pulling her closer all the while knowing this is the beginning of our goodbye.