Emotions are settling

The shock and devastation are slowly wearing off...sometimes it still feels surreal, like some colossal joke but most of the time it feels like we are settling into our new normal. Some days my make up stays intact all day, unsullied by my tears.  I still find myself about to break into hysterics and sobs but I'm able to take some deep breaths and center myself. I still find that the knowledge of  my moms ALS and the fact that I will lose her far sooner than expected is always in the back of my mind, the sadness always follows me and my happy times are not as bright as they used to be, I am sure that will change in time though. My first thought every day when I wake up, heck even in the middle of the night when I wake up is "my mom has ALS", I don't know why, perhaps my mind is trying to make it more real , I don't know, its odd.

I find solace in trying to do things so I don't feel so helpless. Once a week I go down to her house while she is at work and clean her house and leave a snack in the fridge or some meals in the freezer so she can come home to a nice house and not have to cook. I look into things that I know she will eventually need so that I have all of the information ready when she is starting to need them so she doesn't have to do the research. I'm sure that we could easily call the ALS center and they could tell us exactly what we need to know but doing it myself gives me the illusion of control over a situation that no one can control.

I also enjoy going to www.alsforums.com/, message boards for people living with ALS and their caregivers. ALS affects so few people that the people who live with it and those who love them become a part of this small family, sharing feelings and tips. I enjoy that I can talk to other people who can give me tips that I may not have thought of.

The biggest problem I have is reminding myself that she is not going to die tomorrow, if we are lucky we have years...the unknown is hard. I find myself have to bring myself back to the present because in my mind she is already close to death or dead, anticipatory grief can be helpful in preparing you but it can also steal the time that you have left with your loved one if you let it. Reminding myself to live in the present and enjoy the moment is key.