I spent last night pretty much in a daze, just totally exhausted all around. I couldn't show mom I was tired or she would have felt like a burden so I just collapsed when I got home. The physical tired is okay, its the emotional that drains you. Sometimes I wonder when I will feel okay again but then I remember nothing will ever be okay every again. Time lessens pain and you get used to the new normal but there will always be a gaping hole in my heart.

I put make up on and did my hair today, I have decided to try to do that everyday because its what I used to do and I need to try to bring around as much normal as possible. The make up may only last an hour before my tears ruin it but oh well.

I laid down last night to sleep and I couldn't make my thoughts stop, not even actual thoughts just still frames of my visit with her....its when I'm with her that things become even more real. Emotionally things get harder and I wonder how it will be when I am with her almost constantly....despite how hard it is and how exhausted I get I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. I know I will look back on this time together fondly one day, I will be glad that I did everything I could and spent all of the time I could with her.

I spent hours online looking for pants and jeans that had elastic waists that she could get in and out of easily and didn't look like grandma pants. I was pleasantly surprised by the options out there! Gloria Vanderbuilt, Lee, JAG (expensive but awesome looking) make awesome jeans with elastic waists that you can't even tell are elastic, they have a faux fly and look like regular 5 pocket jeans. Macy's also has some great elastic work pants that look awesome too....hell , I may look into those elastic waist jeans! Not even joking. So my brother and I got her 3 pairs of work pants and 2 pairs of jeans for Mother's Day and I picked out a bra with Velcro for her since she can't fasten a bra....it's ugly as hairless kitten I swear.....its SO bad.....I am going to figure out a way to find a cute bra that she can still fasten because us women need to feel pretty!