Life goes on....I think thats one of the hardest things to accept because when you get devastating news like the news I received from my mom your world just stop. For the first few days I walked around in a daze, in a disbelieving state, watching as the world around me continued, as it continued to spin on its axis... but not mine, somehow my small piece of the world stopped, frozen in time....I expect that happens with a lot of people who experience this kind of grief....but eventually your world needs to start spinning again and life goes on...trying to figure out how to move forward in the wake of something so horribly devastating is another story. Everything is the same yet everything is different. You wake up the same way, smack your alarm clock off, wake your children, fix lunches and coffee, fold laundry and run errands the same as you ever did but somehow it all feels different, foreign somehow, there is a weight on you that wasn't there before and it never goes away. Even in your happiest moments you still feel it pulling you down, holding on to your ankle as you desperately hold on to the balloon full of happiness that is trying to pull you off of the ground, away from your worries.
I look for things to distract myself so I can't think about it, to just escape it for awhile but there is nothing. Even watching TV my mind drifts to what is mom doing right now? How is she feeling? When I'm driving I see flashes of the memory card with her name on it that will be at a funeral that hasn't even happened yet.....when I paint I think about financial issues...when I sleep I dream of watching her wither and being helpless to stop it. There is no escape. So I guess I need to learn how to live with weighted chains on my heart because thats what it feels like.
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