Lately I've been wishing that the knowledge that my mom has ALS wouldn't follow me everywhere, that sometimes I could just forget. Today was the first day that I have been able to forget for a little while, where it hasn't always been in the back of my mind and I have discovered that there is a downside to forgetting....remembering. I go along and somehow the thought of mom having ALS disappears and for awhile I am just a normal woman living life and then it returns to my mind and hits me hard all over again, the reality comes crashing down....I'm not sure what is worse, having it in my mind always or having reality come crashing down on me....
I wish that there were something I could do for her to ease her pain at leaving us behind, to ease her grieving all of the moments that she will miss. She has seen me marry and seen her grandchild born, was there when she took her first breath. But my brother is ten years younger than me, she hasn't seen him marry or seen his children. She is also beyond close to my daughter, they have a bond that no one else has and I know the thought of leaving her, the thought of her not understanding and her pain, not seeing her graduate, marry, have children, not being there to give her advice and hugs on a hard day....it is all devastating to her and I can't do anything to ease that pain for her and it hurts so much to see her hurting.
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