Ugly Crying

So funny that I had just written a post about emotions settling because I had a major meltdown just hours after....

My dad for some reason wrote in an email about how he probably doesn't have much more time left on Earth than does my mother because of his age and how he feels and that did me in, to think about both of my parents dying so close together plus my gram is 85 so probably she too will die in a short time frame from their deaths....I was talking to my husband, crying about how I just don't know what to do or how to deal , how to get through, how nothing seems to bring me happiness right now and I don't know how to focus on anything....he then said something that most people would say and most people think its helpful although I am NOT one of those people. He said "well what would your parents want for you right now? Would they want you to try to be happy?" Well, most days that would rub me the wrong way because of course I know what they want but that doesn't matter, seriously, just because someone else wants you to be happy doesn't negate the devastation that you feel, if I could force myself to be happy then I wouldn't be crying! Well it was DEFINITELY the wrong thing to say last night, I pretty much told him the same thing that I just typed but apparently my tone sucked and he snapped at me and I LOST it, started sobbing, said I was just going to go be alone, apparently put my laptop on top of my chihuahua, threw my glasses across the room and walked up the stairs sobbing and screaming at the top of my lungs like a deranged psychiatric ward escapee....ended up sitting in the bathtub with the shower on in the pitch black, don't even really remember getting in. I sobbed and sobbed and ugly cried with snot running down my face, my ever forgiving chihuhua crying outside the door because he couldn't get to me....eventually my husband came in and held me while I sobbed, getting soaked in the process...

It's amazing how you think you are doing okay but you are soooo very wrong....I also feel so damn alone. Its not like she has cancer, nearly anyone you know has been touched by a friend or family member with cancer so there is no shortage of people to talk to. I have my brother but we aren't close, he is much younger than I am....I did text him that I couldn't stop crying and didn't know what to do ...I tried to start a conversation with him but he text me a short text and then didn't respond again..

I have so much more to write but I feel like I might lose it again, my mom will be here any second with my daughter and I can't be a puffy ,snotty mess when they get here.